Phone book ads remind me of protection rackets. “Youz are gonna pay us $650 a month, for your full page display adz. And we promise to cash your check and forget who you are for the next year. And ifs youz nice, and don’t scream too much, weez will actually attempt to get your phone number correct — no extra charge.”

I am creating a new phone book ad for a client to replace last years (freebie) ad that they (the phone book people) screwed up. Freebie is a loose term really. They design it for “free,” although at $8,000 a year it’s hard to call anything free. And the quality of the design is three steps above Bongo the chimpanzee and his amazing finger paints.

To compensate for the screw up, they are giving my client a “free” color upgrade this year. Yes, my client had to live with the awful ad all of last year. (Phone books don’t do reprints.) And yes, my client lost business because of it. But the best the phone book people could do was a color upgrade?

(In my best Tony Soprano voice.) “It’s just bitness, nuttin personal … you understand?”

Speaking of which … when was the last time you used a phone book? It might just be geeky me, but when I need to find a company, I Google it. When my client asked me to look at their ad, I had to quickly dig up the book, which was buried under winter coats and boots. It was placed in this place of respect by my son, who distributed them as a Boy Scout fund raising project last fall, and dropped it here when he walked through the front door. We must have kicked it around for three weeks before the accumulating strata hid its whereabouts from view. Otherwise, I would have had NO clue where to find it.

Which reminds me … I need to add my address and phone number to my big yellow blog header.